


How to survive an office apocalypse w/ Keith Kogane

by brittneynr96



Series: Drunk!Paladins [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Gen, I Don't Even Know, Not really though, drunk keith, how do i even tag this?, sorta group chat?, zombie office apocalypse tips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-13 21:02:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9142090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brittneynr96/pseuds/brittneynr96
Summary: After getting drunk at an office party Keith thinks he's the perfect candidate to give tips on how to survive a zombie office apocalypse just because he sorta resembles and sounds like that one guy from the Walking Dead.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kara_lovelymusic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kara_lovelymusic/gifts).



> [Inspired by Steven Yeun's tricks and tips on how to survive an office apocalypse](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Gu92prXBsY)

_2017 01 January_  
_12:25 a.m._

 **Keith Kogay** : h0w 2 suvbive z0mbe ap0ca1ypse gisys

_Keith Kogane has sent h0w2suvbivez0mbeap0ca1ypse.mov_

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_10:30 a.m._

 **Pidgeon** : IM FCKING WHEEZING KEITH WTF

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_10:35 a.m._

  **Hunkeles** : OH MY GOD

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_10:48 a.m._

 **Princess** : I just choked on my coffee

 **Princess** : I'M DEAD

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_10:50 a.m._

 **Space Dad** : JFC Keith how drunk were you last night?

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_10:58 a.m._

 **Corn Lord** : Allura is currently laughing with tears streaming down her face

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_11: 20 a.m._

 **Lancelot** : IM HOLLERING

 **Lancelot** : still salty that you sacrificed me tho

 **Lancelot** : BUT OHMYGOD I WATCHED THIS LIKE 5 TIMES

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_12:30 p.m._

 **Keith Kogay** : wtf are u guys spamming me for this damn early jfc

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_12:34 p.m._

 **Pidgeon** : scroll up Keith

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_12:35 p.m._

 **Keith Kogay** : oh

 **Keith Kogay** : OH MY GOD 

* * *

"Pidge." Keith slurred, shoving his phone in Pidge's hands. "Record me."

"Doing what?"

"Being a better Glenn and showing you how to actually survive a zombie office apocalypse."

"Keith, you seen one episode of the Walking Dead. Just because you sound like Steven Yeun doesn't mean you're him."

"Shut up, Pidge. I know what I'm doing. Are you recording?

"Of course I'm recording this train wreck." 

"Hi, my name is Keef and I'm going to take you assholes for a little tour around Voltron. I'm going to teach you fuckers a couple of tips and tricks on how to survive a zombie apocalypse." 

* * *

  **Tip #1 "Always know your exits."**

"I can't stress this enough." Drunk Keith pointed to the exit above his head. "You have to know your exits. Typically they're marked with the word _'exit'_ , and then they point in the direction of that exit for those of you who don't know how to read your basic signs."

* * *

  **Tip #2 "Coffee is always a good idea."**

"A little tip, everything in this office is a weapon." Keith held up an empty coffee mug and showed it to the camera. "Are you drinking coffee right now? Use it. Throw it in their faces. Hot coffee to the face...sucks!" 

* * *

_2017 01 January_  
_12:42 p.m._

**Keith Kogay** :  OH MY GOD

 **Keith Kogay** : Pidge!!!

 **Keith Kogay** : why did you let me record and send this?!

 

_2017 01 January_  
_12:44 p.m._

**Pidgeon** : i tried but you said and i quote

 **Pidgeon** :  _'shut up, Pidge i know what i'm talking about.'_  

 

_2017 01 January_  
_12: 46 p.m_

**Hunkeles** : it gets better

 

* * *

**Tip #3 "Try a millennial shield. Best friends will work just fine."**

Keith looked at the camera. "So what you want to do initially is you want to lull them into a false sense of security. Lance." He grabbed ahold of his equally drunk co-worker and pulled him to the side.

Lance raised an eyebrow, "Yes?"

Keith pulled Lance into a side hug and held his hand. "You're a wonderful asset to this company."

Lance smiled and blushed. "Thank you. You're not too bad yourself."

"Then," Keith looked back at the camera. "what you want to do is you want to aim from the kneecap to the shin." Keith pointed towards Lance's legs. "I like to use the heel of my shoe. If you can tear an ACL or an MCL, that's _really_ great. Then what you do is you take both hands. Then you push them-" Keith kicked Lance's shin and then shoved him out of the shot.

"KEITH!" Lance yelled as he fell to the floor. "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"-in the path. And then you run away," Keith got in the running position and winked at the camera. "Scot-free. Every man for themselves."

* * *

**Tip #4 "Staplers are your best friend."**

"Here's a stapler. This is my all-time favorite office zombie weapon. Open this bad boy up." Keith picked the stapler up off the desk and pretended to shoot a staple. "It's all about the arm." He turned his back to the camera and shot a staple before turning to look back at the camera, pointing to the floor, pretty smug. "All right, that went about 3 feet. But if you do it well, it'll go further, potentially annoying them. Depending on if whether you have fast zombies or if you have slow zombies, take the time to staple its eyes so that it can't see what it's coming after anymore. It's high risk but uh a lot of reward."

* * *

**Tip #5 "Swipe keys are not your friend."**

"If you're in a building that uses a swipe key to get down the elevators, you have to constantly repeat, "The system is broken!" Let's face it. You're going to be dead." Keith deadpanned.

"Well, that's a bit morbid." Pidge muttered under their breath from behind the camera. 

* * *

**Tip #6 "The Perfect Trap"**

"So, I'll give you a little tip on how to set up the perfect trap. You want to take a lot of these magazines," Keith started throwing some magazines down everywhere on the ground. "And evenly displace them. It's a slipper. They won't know what's hitting them." Keith quickly hid behind the wall and watched as an intoxicated Lance slipped on the magazines and fell on his back, dropping his phone on his face.

"KEITH!"

Keith looked at the camera smiling smugly. "That dude's dead. And that, fuckers, is how you survive an office zombie apocalypse."

* * *

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_12:50 p.m._

 **Keith Kogay** : i can't believe i did that.

 **Keith Kogay** : why did drunk me decide that was a good idea?

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_12: 54 p.m._  

 **Pidgeon** : bc drunk you seen 1 episode of the Walking Dead and thought just bc you sorta resemble Steven Yeun and sound like him that you could give better tips and tricks on how to survive a zombie apocalypse.

 

_2017 01 January_  
_12:58 p.m._

**Hunkeles** : drunk Keith is my fav Keith

 

_2017 01 January_  
_12:59 p.m._

**Lancelot** : drunk keith is an asshole

 

_2017 01 January_  
_1:00 p.m._

**Pidgeon** : ur an asshole everyday of ur life but we still tolerate you

 

 _2017 01 January_  
_1:02 p.m._  

 **Lancelot** : w o w

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't know how to end this anyways...
> 
> Come talk to me on [tumblr](http://hoesidon.tumblr.com/ask)
> 
> If you have any ideas for drunk!Paladins videos you can send them to me.


End file.
